this is it. i got what i asked for. every minute, every moment, every sweet and thoughtful conversation, to every confused, irrational, fearful exchange. as much as i hate to say it, it was bound to happen and i knew it deep down and perhaps, in some way, it was a self-fulfilling kind of eventuality. i'm such a moron dammit. its kind of funny, in a sort of twisted self-loathing kind of way. i compared it all to skating and climbing and all the other things that you can just grind away at yourself. woop big surprise doesn't work that way. and dammit. fucking dammit it hurts so bad and doesn't go away. there's a whole lot of self-doubt going on. and much more i can't even pinpoint. lost the friendship, lost the trust, lost the companionship... my fucking big mouth. i hate my stupid shit eq, lack of cool. god dammit dammit all dammitdammit.