It's been real long.

I don't really know why I stopped writing. I'm not sure who else still writes. But I think I want to write.

Life is real different now hahaha. I used to refrain from using "life" cos I thought it was cheesy and unreal. Because who are we to judge life when we've only seen so little of it right? Wrong. What we've seen is all of what life is from our own view point. And it is completely okay to be selfish about it. Life is for you to judge, just like how life judges you.

Just - be fair in your judgement, be just.

How has life been different?

Well, for starters there are girls around that take notice of me hahahahaha I can't help but feel flattered. And a bit vulnerable. To making false choices, bad decisions. People talk and you hear things and it's hard to handle. I don't want to hear false things. Opinions, rumours. It's a nagging pain tbh. And yet I do not want to be alone anymore. I don't. Distortionary is what they say in econs right hahahaha. I guess you could say I'm adjusting. I've never let myself be open to the idea of seeking companionship before. So this "seeking" is new. And I can say that I'm handling it. On the job learning. Earned myself some scrapes and bruises. And more in time, hopefully no lost limbs; None so far.

We learn along the way. If you found it easy, then you're doing it wrong.

Okay girls aside, overall perspective now - how do you have an honest relationship with another person? Sometimes I don't know if I do something sincerely or out of empathy or out of kindness. It gnaws at my heart. Because there are so many instances where I REALLY don't want to do the right thing, but I do it anyway cos its right, and suddenly I'm at odds with myself.

The reflex action is to squirm out of it. Escape route fashioned out of lies and sugarcoating. In my book, it's very wrong. Blackens the heart and soul, but everyone else walks away unscathed if done correctly. The right way? Or the truth? The truth can be awfully awfully brutal. Instantaneous blunt force emotional trauma, or a virulent disease that stays in the system for a long time.

I guess you could say some things have remained much the same. The lonesome spirit is hard to change hahahaha. I can't say I don't seek camaraderie though. I don't want to be alone, but not all the time. The more I seek though, the more I cherish my existing friends. This one is hard to make friends with. An oddity.