I always imagined that I'd be able to do some much if i was just left alone at home. Now I realised there can only be so many things that I can do alone at home. Exhausted my alone at home to-do list already. Guess it's back to work. Stinks.

Maybe I'll just go out and run in the drain for a while and get arrested for a night. The policemen can keep me company. And give me food.

BLINDS DOWN DOORS CLOSED CLOTHES OFF MUSIC ON! It's gonna be a BUMPY RIDE TONIGHT! HAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Yeaaaaah. Just kiddin'.

Anyway I'm glad I didn't post anything yesterday because today was such an interesting day I'd have to post again today anyway.

Yeah firstly I guess GP wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be, but it was still ridiculously difficult. It's so difficult that my perception of "difficult" cannot justify the difficulty of the paper. Made me think that I should have just studied for O levels properly cos it was so much easier.

Just now the photographic society celebrated the current dark room manager's birthday. Then I overheard that she wanted to be a chem teacher in future. Then I asked her who in the right mind would want to be a teacher, forgetting that the photog TIC was actually sitting next to me. Hahaaa awesome right. Then to my surprise she actually agreed, after confirming that a "sane" person wouldn't be a teacher and not a "saint". Somehow or rather the convo lead to her confirming that, but that's not the point. The point is, I realised later why she needed to differentiate a "saint" from a "sane" person, because a sane person wouldn't be a teacher, but a saint would.

Then later we started to discuss why gp grades for NY wasn't so good. And Ms. Chua explained that by saying that NY was composed of mostly neighbourhood school students who did exceptionally well, and I stupidly added that part of NY was also partly composed of students from good schools that didn't do too well. And eventually the conversation led to a question that cut me reallyyyy deeply. Like, ouch.

"Eh Damien what school were you from uh? VS? So what are you doing here now? Shouldn't you be in VJ?!"

Haha yeah I'm still sore. Ughhhh. Then she went on to say:

"The reason why NY GP grades aren't good is the same reason as why you ended up in NY."

???!?!!! I don't understand. If they can be explained in the same way then I'm really curious to know why I ended up here. Hehehe I told them I landed here because of photog. So pwn right.

Oh yah and just now there was a guy and a girl on my bed. The guy wasn't me HAHAHA. And the girl wasn't any of my sisters "who are in Thailand". PW group jokers.

I really don't know what the bluddy teachers in NY are planning at all. It's like their trying to piss off students enough to make them want to study or something. Makes me so angry, but not enough to start studying obsessively. Just very angry at the teachers. They keep taunting us. Now I bring a penknife to school everyday just in case.

ARGH I'm so angry. I snapped at a teacher this morning and now I'm feeling guilty maybe it was just a moment of misjudgment on my part. Stupid. But what she said really made me flip. She was all like:
HURH HURH HURH IF CAN DO IT WHY CAN'T YOU?! HUH? HUH? HUH???!

And then I said:
WTFOMGBBQ YOU CAN'T COMPARE THAT WAY STUPIDASS.

Okay not exactly that way at all but you catch my drift. *farts*

yeh after that she called me up to interrogate me because I was outta line. And did not appear as my usual quiet, accepting, antisocial self.

Well. I've officially become what I foresaw at the beginning of the school term. Irresponsible, grumpy, irritable and teacher-hating. At least my files are still neat and tidy huh. I guess its time to adopt a different strategy.

BECAUSE I'M NOT A QUITTER. I DON'T PRESS ALT+F4 AND THEN X! Ctrl+z baby, ctrl+z. (yeh dude giving a pep-talk to myself). I sincerely despise the way teachers do things in this school.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off going to a poly. My dad's dad was a carpenter and my mom's dad was a tailor. Maybe I'm destined to be some kind of carpenter as well. Or a butcher. Or a murderer! OR BOTH. HAHHAHAHAHA. Damien the Butcher. Nice ring to it.

Beware. Damien has more bite than bark. And he has the wounds to prove it (HUH?!). Woof *fart*.

Here's what I have in the "Make new friends" part of my brain.

1. Start with a handshake.

Yup that's about it. I'm starting to think that I really have no real capacity to make friends through deliberate interaction. Srsly how does that even work? What I realise is that people just go on talking about themselves to their friends, and their friends just get to know them more and more based on what they tell them. Isn't that a little strange? I mean, how can you TRUST what they say is true since you're not yet friends but in the making?! THEY ARE LIARS HAHAAAAHA.

Rough week so far. If you've had a rough week, I've had a pretty bad week too, so lets all just be friends since we have something in common.

Fall Out Boy - 20 Dollar Nose Bleed

I initially thought that JC would be a RADICAL (HAHA FREERADICALS LIKE NITROGEN MONOXIDE) change from VS, guess I was wrong. Castes, cliques, guys, girls(who look like guys), annoying teachers. Yup nothing's changed. Looks like I won't be getting in touch with my INNER MASCULINITY any time soon huh.

OR WILL I?! WAHAHAAAA here's to being UNDECIDED on gender preference! CHEERS.

By the way the song mentions "Benzedrine" (yeah like, "Mr. Benzedrine" it's actually found in inhalers to dilate the windpipe but has some kind of euphoric effect when you took it. It's not used anymore though.

Labels: how to

Why are people interested to know if I'm J1 or J2? Damn it should've asked them. Do I look old? I know I really don't behave old at all. In fact no matter how old I look I want to behave the same way I've been behaving all this while.

I have all the time to behave old when I grow old, and that's not anytime soon, I hope. What does that even mean?! Yeahhhh.

I don't deny that I still feel kinda lonely in school. Agh it's all my fault for not being sociable. Yeah then again people should see that I'm having problems mixing and take some initiative to pull me in ya'know? Hahaha yeh it's their fault. Uzz maybe I'm really kinda creepy too lolol. Yeh dood I'm talking to myself. If that's not creepy I don't know what is. Maybe what's more creepy is that my readers enjoy watching me talk to myself hahha. Running out of things to post really quickly. Things have been pretty mundane.

I hope the weather lets up.

My 10 year old cousin just passed away.

This isn't the most appropriate thing to discuss on my blog. I know. But my head is gonna explode if I don't share anything.

This is not a post as a tribute to him, but a post to share my thoughts regarding the unfortunate incident. I'm not the one who has to say, "My brother died." Or, "My son passed away." so I cannot empathise for his family. TBH, when I first got word of his passing, I swear, I couldn't tell what I was feeling. It wasn't unhappiness, it wasn't shock. I really couldn't tell. Maybe I really have become very insensitive over the years.

I think I'm selfish, because what it felt was very close to fear. Only recurring. I dreamt of him last night. Details are not appropriate to discuss. An imaginary scene keeps replaying itself in my head over and over. And the fear keeps coming back. Life is short.

It's as if I've arrived at this stage of a DJMAX song where I'm completely overwhelmed by the number of bars flying in, and I stop button-mashing to take a breather. Anyone want a hand on Damien's sweaty controller? I'll just slip into my own head and leave someone else with the steering. AAAGGHH it's my own fault I keep agreeing to do things.

I just recovered from a fit of frustration. I remind me of me yeeaaaarss back when I still went to church. Okay the church bit is kinda irrelevant but you know, just to give you a sense of how long ago that was. But yeah it was so long back.

Oh shizz I just realised that mother's day is just round the corner. And I just made her angry too. When I'm watching TV my default answer to any question is "ur." Which isn't a "uh-huh" or an "uh-uh". Before I know it she's screaming her head off and (re)^(x+2x)disowning me. I don't even know what she asked/told me. I mean I don't go asking her weird questions when she's watching TV.

Really if mom doesn't have time for me, then I don't have time for her either. Anyway I've got more important things to do. During ISLE we had to make a decision on when to hold a meeting and they were very against using their Saturday afternoon because that would burn the rest of their day. I was wondering why because if you had anything you needed to do you'd wake up earlier to do it huh.

Then they said that "hey, we have family too" which made me realise how low my family goes on my priority list. I mean, I don't use my family as an excuse for not participating in school activities. I always imagined school to come first.

I can't remember the last time I had a dream. But over the last couple of days my head's been messin' around with me all night on most nights. Though I can't really remember much of the details one dream.

It's so strange: I woke up from the dream like crying really madly, and felt very sad and in a wink I didn't remember a damn thing and forgot why I was sad so I wasn't sad anymore. Uzz let me try to describe. I felt sad for a second before I opened my eyes then when I opened my eyes and realised I was tearing, I suddenly couldn't feel a thing anymore and it was like any other morning when I woke up except for the fact that I was tearing. I couldn't remember a bit of that dream but I'm sure I had a dream otherwise I wouldn't have been tearing. I think the best way I can describe the feeling I had as I transitioned from subconsciousness to consciousness is to have "accelerated" out of feeling unhappy. Like being suddenly pushed very quickly away from your initial state of mind. And before that I have no recollection of any kind of dream. I'm repeating myself ahahaaaaaa but it's a damn strange feeling.

Then last night I had this dream where I was being stung or something by many tiny bugs and then one of those things laid an egg in my mouth and I swallowed it. Somehow or rather the transition between the dream and real life was so smooth that after that I had to check online if there was a cure to having been impregnated by one of those things.

And the night before I had a similar dream, but that time it was only one bug flying around my head and smacking into my face occasionally, then I cupped it in my hands and it said, "I'm a bee." Then I panicked and let go of it and I woke up immediately after that.

Seems like I'm developing a fear of insects huh.

And I remember vaguely this other dream. Actually the only thing I could remember was this image of a girl with very ghostly eyes staring at me and occasionally blinking. Her eyes were sort of pale blue, but had some kind of glow, and were abnormally swollen. Creepy. I forgot the context of the dream, but the memory of that girl just creeps me out.

I used to think that people only have dreams when they're waaaaayyy too free. I guess not. If you follow my posts, I regard these dreams as good dreams. In the actual context of being in the dream, it's a nightmare, but when you wake up and find it untrue, it's a good dream. HAHA. I don't particularly dislike dreams. In fact I find it more entertaining than real life.

I want more nightmares.

I also don't get why people like to have things that resemble things that their friends have. Doesn't it creep you out that every time you turn your head you see someone carrying a bag that looks almost exactly the same as your own? Lollll.

I think I annoy people in my school. Maybe it's my chouping technique. During chem lecture I was rushing to get a front row seat. Then there was this bunch of girls browsing for seats and I threw my bag from a considerable distance to the centre front row seat, and success! chouped. Take that biatches. Then someone fuzhi may know said, "Idiot" loud enough for me to hear but then covered her mouth and acted like it was only for her friends to hear. Fuzhi you have excellent taste hahahaaaa. Yeah will delete if you request so. If I see her sleeping in the library she will wake up without her fringe and ponytail.

HAHA then during physics lecture I scrambled to get front row seats again then this other class wanted the front row seats too and this SC tried to defend her friends' rights by asking me to move away so the majority will benefit. I stalled for a while and said yes when my own buddies were moving in. I shifted two seats to the left and the same two seats (and then the whole row) were subsequently filled by my classmates. Take that SC. She "what the hell"-ed really loudly and moved to the back rows. What the hell. I should be the one "what the hell"-ing lo. There's no plan that tells anyone where to seat. It's FFA (free for all). Being a student leader doesn't mean you defend your friends at the expense of others. I'm part of the school too. Girls suck.

Yay its Friday.

Yeah no one said anything. Shit just happens.

FB is starting to interfere with my time management! In more ways than one. Like 'time-management'. Similar to how msn messenger would.

I'm starting to think that the only thing I'm ever good at is to appear intellectual. The rest of the time I'm just mucking around.

"Hey you're from photog right? Can you cover an event for me tomorrow?"

"No."

"Why?"

"No...(trails off) Why don't you cover it?" *!!!!!!????
Delegating jobs isn't easy. Stupid slackers don't want to do anything. Why don't I do it? Seriously I don't even know why these people are in photog. Come yeahs be angry with me at those morons.

I think lying (well) is an essential life-skill.

There was this incident recently where GPP was due the next day and my group just did a draft, and we appointed an editor (a girl) to do some editing the day before it had to be handed in. The girl is neurotic and also a perfectionist and I assumed she spent what was left of her night after doing all her own work, editing the draft.

The next day she looked unwell and I said, "That's what you get for working on the GPP for wayyy to long" and she didn't reply and then later I overheard a conversation she had with another girl about girl stuff and I realised why she was looking unwell. omg what have I done.

Then recently during the camp I attended, I accidentally drank from someone else's waterbottle. For a guys' school it would be someone else's waterbottle. But in a mixed school it wasn't JUST someone else's water-bottle, it was a GIRL'S water-bottle. Ladies and gentlemen Damien just had his first kiss. EULCHWTFOMGBBQ+KETCHUPANDBAKUTAY. I feel so dirty.

I feel very offended when someone tells me to 'prioritise'. When I put something on top of another, I obviously regard one with greater importance than the other. So this guy comes along (normally a guy who's got something to do with the thing which I see as less important) and says, "Hey dimwit you're doing it wrong. I'm more important." They don't actually say that but it sure sounds like that to me. If you peel off all the layers of honey and sugar. Like finding a fossilised mosquito in the middle of your lollipop. Delicious, no?

Yeah all these bottle feelings got to go somewhere. Empathies to people who are vague all the time. Let me try: "You are ugly". Yeah feels much better. Everyone's ugly.

I think perfection is a vertical asymptote. You can get damn close to it but no one ever reaches it. It's still unfair that some people's perfection asymptote goes further down the x-axis than others.